Vulnerability sucks

I'm a dreamer. To the extreme. I have all these plans and aspirations for my life. I always have. Like go big or go home right? Depends.


I blame him.
I think it started about four-ish years ago after a little bit of a heart-break. I decided boys are dumb and only live to break hearts and get some. Which is probably true in high school to an extent. But anyways, that was that. I closed myself off to being able to feel. All that mattered was my friends, family, school, church, and cheer.


Don't get me wrong, I had so much fun in high school. Senior year was one of the best years of my life so far. Just when it came to boys I was kind of a bee-yotch. Straight up.


A habit is a hard thing to break. And shutting boys out is still a habit that is hard for me to change. Being vulnerable scares me probably more than anything else. Not in all cases, just when it comes to boys and love. To let someone else decide my happiness is terrifying. I suck at it, let's just put it that way. I find every single little reason to why I shouldn't like someone. When really, it has nothing to do with them at all, and everything to do with me.  The few times I have actually let myself fall, I have ended up getting hurt in some way or another. 


THE infamous 5-year PLAN
It was a little bit after I turned 19 that I created "The Plan". Any independent girl who wants to take on the world has a at least 5 year plan. Mine consists of:
Getting my associates, go on a mission or do some sort of humanitarian project out of the country, get my bachelors, get an internship somewhere amazing and move somewhere like I've never lived before. Then maybe after the 5 years get married.


Reality
Well recently I've realized something. Something that is hard for me to accept, but soooo true. I saw a picture on instagram one day that someone posted that made think like... DUH. It was a note a mother had written to her daughter and it said:


"I think we like to complicate things when it is really quite simple;
find what it is that makes you happy and who it is that makes you happy and you're set. Promise."


I LOVE THAT. It's good to have goals and dreams. I could picture myself at age 24 writing for some magazine, living in a big city, making a decent amount of money- and it seems exciting. The thing is I could totally picture myself going the total opposite direction. Within the next couple years, living in a crappy little apartment in some weird random city, painting and style blogging, with a boy who I love more than anything- and that sounds like true happiness to me. This song reminds me of that completely:

Well... what now?
My fear of vulnerability is what I'm going to work on. It's going to be hard, but to truly be happy I need to open myself up and stop shutting people out. Even if I do end up getting hurt again it will be something that will define me as a person even more. I am still going to stick to the plan, but if something changes... so be it. Because we can plan and plan all we want, but our plans don't always work out. Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for us that is beyond anything we can even comprehend for ourselves. 


I contemplated posting this, but if I'm going to try to stop being so vulnerable I need to start somewhere, right?




xoxo
LL